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Certified Funniest Joke of the Day
Advice for moving to or visiting Texas.

It can be challenging visiting a completely different culture. You aren’t quite sure which things are the same and which are different. Which rules are consistent with the ones you leaned, and which are completely opposite. So, for any of you visiting Texas in the near future, here is a helpful quick guide to Texas. Read it, learn it, follow it, and your trip should be pleasant. Forget any of these, and it could get ugly for you. So, here is Advice for anyone visiting or moving to Texas.

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later
how to use it.

Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we
can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.

When your waitress calls you “honey”, “sugar”, and “sweatheart” it would be better not to interpret this as a sign of her romantic intentions towards you, and to attempt to move on to the next step.

Don’t be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store, occasionally intermixed.

Remember: “Y’all” is singular. “All y’all” is plural. “All
y’all’s” is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”, followed by spitting.

If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph
zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks
learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is
the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

If you hear a person from a rural area exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay
out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

Get used to the phrase “It’s not the heat, it’s the humidity”.
And the collateral phrase “You call this hot? Wait’ll August.”

There are no delis. Don’t ask.

You may think you are familiar with spicy chili. You are not. You may think that confirmation from the server that the chili isn’t very spicy is a green light for you. It is not. You may think you can handle spicy food. You cannot.

Don’t tell us how you do things up North. Nobody cares.

It is strongly suggested that when your waitress asks you “Hey there. What can I do you for?” you do not respond “You can do me for free”.

A Mercedes-Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F-150 is.

Rocky Mountain oysters are NOT oysters and are NOT from the Rocky Mountains. It’s better not to ask. Really. It’s better not to ask.

If you don’t understand our passion for college and high school
football it’s not your fault. It’s just your breeding.

The value of a parking space is not determined by the distance
to the door, but the degree of shade.

“Tea” = Iced Tea. There is no other kind.

It is strongly suggested that when you see a man wearing his hat indoors, you do not politely remind him that’s considered rude. Especially big men.

A trustworthy axiom in Texas is the sweeter the southern belle, the greater her strength, grit, and fortitude for winning arguments. You have been warned.

Everything goes better with Ranch dressing.


By: Rusty Goat Jokes

The ol' Rusty Goat has spent years searching for the funniest jokes known to man. I've included only the hottest jokes, the funniest jokes, the jokes guaranteed to make you laugh. These jokes change every day...come back tomorrow for another hilarious joke of the day!

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